I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
