Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
