Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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