I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
