it's too hot outside to masturbate.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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