No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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