Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
