1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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