he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
be right there i have to get my cape
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
