There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
