Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
