Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
