just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
