you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
