Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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