Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize