two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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