Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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