I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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