I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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