So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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