i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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