Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
