Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
