Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
