Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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