I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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