Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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