If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
