I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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