im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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