if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
