tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
