So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
