Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
