the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
