i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The beer is more important than you right now.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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