god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize