I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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