turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
