Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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