I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
