yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
