If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
