i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
