Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
