I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just want nice things and good sex
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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