I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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