My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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