I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize