There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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