We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
