New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
