are you so shy because you have an std?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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