god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
