Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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