LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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