but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
