saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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