she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
